This Nazi thing is just a passing phase

This Nazi thing is just a passing phase

Just imagine a world where taxes are levied on people for talking bullshit. Granted I would be destitute and there would be no more Big Brother house but think of the positives: free education for all, pot hole-less roads and no more of that condescending lispy twat on GMTVwho dishes out the same financial advice irrespective of your circumstances or the reason you got into debt in the first place; " You don't need 2 kids, sell one!".

I'm not for one minute suggesting that it won't be tricky selecting who should be up for eviction .. I mean taxation. I mean Louis Walsh can talk shit with the best of them but would you really relish seeing him opening his front door on a Saturday morning only to see a brown envelope lodged in his post box asking for immediate payment to the sum of the national debt of a small African country. He's harmless enough isn't he? But if you let Walsh off the hook then it pretty much opens the floodgates to everyone else and that is not what we want. Maybe we need a criteria, one that protects the more vulnerable groups in society. One that tolerates a level of bullshit but brings the foot firmly down if any transgression is made. So with this in mind I propose forthwith that people can only be taxed if they are deemed to use language or a group of related phrases that are recognised as bullshit under the laws of....... well me . This will include taxation to be levied on persons who have been proved to be using and I quote " modern phrases that elevate someone's self importance more than they scarcely fucking deserve. For example term such as " What goes on in Blackpool stays in Blackpool " a term used frequently by hen and stag goers the length and breadth of the country. Not only does it wreak of "look at me" but suggests that that the event that they are waxing lyrical about was far from the hedonistic roller coaster they are making it out to be.

The reality is that for most people Blackpool equates to a continuation of misery and a strong chance of venereal disease. However by making such a statement they are elevating Mad Mick's stag do to the level of Churchill's war cabinet or the inner sanctum that worked on The Manhattan Project . The truth is probably that Lager Dave had a few two many and pissed himself and Trigger Steve fell asleep in his kung po. Nothing to worry the driver of the night bus let alone the wives and girlfriends standing by the phone with a mug of cocoa fearing the worst. It's too much to admit that the stag do blew out of steam after the first few hours and quite a few fancied going back to the Travelodge and watching Match of the Day whilst struggling to fill one of those travel kettles using the shower head. No fucking way! The first rule of the stag is to exaggerate how much fun you had even though it pretty much disintegrated when the words " Go Karts" were used.

It's probably a good job those who witnessed the atrocities during the second world war didn't buy into this view point; " I wouldn't worry too much about the Nazis, probably just a passing phase. No one will remember them next year let alone in 50. You mark my words!". You never see check out attendants in Tesco huddling in a group shouting " What goes on the scan machine, stays in the scan machine". Why? Because no one gives a shit other than the very people involved but that doesn't give them carte blanche to elevate their own personal enjoyment to that of public consumption. Then again it can only be a matter of time before "Trev the Nutter's Stag Do - Barcelona 2010" is presented as part of an installation art demonstration at The Tate Modern. Another phrase warranting the Bullshit Tax or BST as it will be known from now on is " Step up to the plate". For the uninitiated " S.U.T.T.P." comes from Baseball jargon referring to the incoming batter taking their mark prior to trying to twat the ball out of the stadium, as a metaphor it is used to refer to someone who is prepared to or is in dire need to show some backbone, some balls to actually make a stand,to show what they are made of. The problem is that in the UK a plate is something you eat your dinner off and the idea of having to take a step to eat something is frankly ridiculous. This means nothing to the perpretrators of this idiocy. In their minds they are the Al Pacino character in Any Given Sunday. The reality however is that they are a team leader and they work in Greggs. " Come on guys, we're running low on steak bakes, let's hustle."

Of course the downfall in my argument is that if people didn't use the type of phrases I'mrefferring to then the BST tax wouldn't work and pot holes wouldn't be filled and children would be illiterate so for the sake of students and motorists long may it continue. That reminds me I must book the stripper for Napalm Alan's Hen Party in Truro.