Weigh Out

Of all the diets my favourite is the one like the vegetarian diet where you chose to throw all your morals in the bin, you know the one, the “ I’m vegetarian but I eat chicken and fish for the protein.”  My favourite diet involves watching carbohydrate and fat intake for 6 days, taking regular exercise to burn off excess fat and then on day 7 you can eat what you want. Sounds a good diet no? Well that is until you review one’s choice of meal on pushing the boat out day, no slightly larger salad for them. No, it’s ringside seats at the arena of kebab meat and chips.
Of course it’s never the dieters fault, the scales were too big, the floor was too shiny, my hair was too thick. Excuse after excuse and all for £5 each week to stand in a cold, dank church hall and clap for Deborah who can now see her feet after 17 years.
But they love it and what they love more than talking about it is talking to people who really don’t give a flying fuck. Remarks such as “Careless “ are forbidden when congratulating Sandra on losing  her pound and not maintaining for that week. Jenny thought she’d never lose her baby weight but eating a stick of celery every day followed by a period of incarceration caused for assaulting her husband who dared to eat a KFC in front of her, got her to the target weight
Of course the simple answer to dieting is to go and live in the jungle, but such suggestions are met with fierce rebuttal. “ Where am I going to find a blender to make my macrobiotic shake in the jungle?” Brenda wants to know as she has parted with £300 for 8 sachets of NASA dung and a paste which goes under the arm pits and is suppose to generate “diet energy”. Presumably this is the energy that replaces the need to run around the block a  few times.
Of course, the mere mention of going for a run is met with the kind of look that Bob Dylan once gave to one of his backing singers who suggested he should try an electric guitar to jazz it up a bit. Its gyms now, gone is physical, heart pumping aerobic exercise, guaranteed to result in weight loss , instead we’ve replaced it with exercise which causes the fat to harden and sit on top , a bit like left over curry.
“ Have you lost weight?”  No I’ve just firmed it up and pushed it through it through my ankles. “ You look great though”.  Thanks.
Like the reformed smoker and the reformed drinker there is naturally the reformed dieters. So indoctrinated into the way of the fat fighter that to even suggest half a vol au vent is an undoing of everything they live for. So they sit, waiting to pass judgment on the nearest passer by who is unfortunate to pop their Marks and Spencer ready meal into the staff canteen microwave
“ Do you know how many calories there are in that ?” they ask if it is some sort of quiz. You ask if they can give some options but in the end  it would just be a guess. “ There’s 400 calories in that one meal” said with the kind of authoritative tone normally reserved for Historical Documentary presenters. But this isn’t Iron Bridge, this is lunch and I’m starving. She continues - “ You’ve eaten one 6th of you daily dietary intake of calories in just that one meal”. I see a flaw in her argument - “ So I can eat 6 of them?”
“ Well yes if you want to get big and fat.” But if I did I could go to fat club with her and eat her diet and she can be my mentor. Never has over weight seemed such a desirable option.
She on the other hand sits and eats lettuce, iceberg to be precise, once described by  film director John Waters as the “ polyester of greens”, contained as it is in Tupperware. Tupperware is not the vessel of choice of someone who is having regular intercourse. They then proceed to get out the rest of their calorie counted condiments, the thimble of butter, the atom of mayonnaise (low fat ) and proceed to paste it on like they’re doing a water colour. I’ve seen diabetics throw more caution to the wind.
Once they’re prepared their low calorie, low carb, low fat, low enjoyment ryvita they are ready to begin eating. That is until their colleague  from “ It’s the World’s Fault Not Ours slimming club” comes in to give some support and at the same time share with the rest of the diners the pain and torture they have been  experiencing over the last week. “ I couldn’t believe when my husband replaced my shovel with a tea spoon last week.” complained one  “ The scales always vary from Tuesday night weigh in to Wednesday  night, so you can take off at least half a stone “ reassured another. |And the world continues to revolve.